I'm Gonna Procreate

歌詞

People say to me "Shoebox You've got a wife now Do you have any plans To start a family life now? We really don't want your help Perpetuating the species" So I just bend over and turn around And tell them to lick my feces I've gotten the impression, since I was in preschool That some people are opposed to my wading in the gene pool They've mostly been subtle hints, but it sure raised my suspicions When 300 protestors showed up on my lawn and showed me their signed petitions Total strangers wish upon me an infection of the pelvic plexus And children scream and point and cry and ask their parents what my sex is But I remain undeterred despite the death threats that I'm getting Your kids will have to deal with my crap too, cuz my seed will soon be spreading! I'm gonna procreate and there's nothing you can do about it It's gonna be so great, my wife'll pop out kids like a diesel-powered pez dispenser If you're against her helping me produce my offspring let me know I'll tell you where to go Cuz I'm gonna procreate My wife's won awards for her uteral perfection She's got more freakin' eggs than the Wegmans' dairy section If she even wants to hold my hand, I wear a condom before I'll let her Cuz she's more fertile than cow manure, and thank god, she sure smells better I've been checking my sperm count, and it couldn't be higher They're practically shooting out of my pores whenever I perspire I'll fertilize anything that moves, my semen is so kickin' If I shove an Egg McMuffin down my pants, it turns into a McChicken I'm gonna procreate and there's nothing you can say about it Thanks to a twist of fate I've found a girl who doesn't throw up when she sees me naked Why would she make it with a fatass long-haired ultra-geek like me? Well it's a mystery I can't wait until the day The OB/GYN will say "Let's see the ultrasound of what you've bred" The nurses will all faint and scream Because I'll bet they've never seen A fetus with a mullet on its head And full-sized man-boobs I've been reading 'bout Darwin and natural selection And wondering how it could apply to the fruits of my erection I want all my swimmers to be just the fastest fancy sleek ones So I wax my carrot twenty times a day just to weed out the weak ones I'm gonna procreate and there's nothing you can do about it Each time I copulate there's a chance that something's gonna be fertilized now Don't be surprised now if someday it comes to be that there's a Warm and mushy fleshy thing that's looking up at you With a head all full of questions and a diaper full of poo With a bottle full of Folger's and a Bad Religion tee And a face that's trial-sized but looks an awful lot like me I'm gonna procreate