The Ballad of Dr. Stopp

歌詞

My wife and I were cuddlin' As we watched somethin' befuddlin' It was Extreme Knitting on ESPN And when we started some caressin' And segued into molestin' I suggested we should go upstairs right then But she said "There's just one hurdle, "You're a fair bit too damned fertile "Do you nae remember when our son was born? "I was poppin' my lo-ovrum, "You were wearin' eight-ply Trojans "But I still wound up a-hurlin' in the morn!" Li di di... I groveled and I pleaded, For 'twas lovin' that I needed And no self-induced relievin' would suffice But she wouldn't give me one kiss, Said "My oven must stay bunless "And until that's not a danger, let's play nice" I said "That's all well and neato, "But tell that to my libido "It's still indicatin' true magnetic north!" She said, "Better put some ice on, "I won't look at that thing twice un- "-til you set upon the plan that I'll lay forth!" And she told me 'bout a doctor in Rochester An old surgeon by the name of Doctor Stopp And if I went to him the next day with my fifty-dollar copay He'd curtail our family lineage with a chop And I said, "I swear to you, my lover, that my heart longs for no other "And that from your side I've got no cause to roam "And if the ring upon my finger doesn't prove to you my love "Then the scar upon my nuts should drive it home, drive it home "Oh, the scar upon my nuts should drive it home" Well, with that my fate was written, I was in his office sittin' With some nervous men with legs crossed o'er their parts The whole room was decorated With a look that could be dated To when ABBA was still burnin' up the charts The patient just before me Came a-lumberin' out quite sorely From the room where I assumed the deed was done And although I'd been informed A quick recov'ry was the norm I still took note he wasn't doin' cartwheel one Li di di... The doctor came in swiftly And he asked me for my history As he prodded at the junk beneath my jeans He said "Have ye any questions?" I said "Nay, sir, I'm all set "As long as there's good drugs and big high-tech machines" He said "T'aint no nucl'ar fission, "Just a quarter-inch incision "And a slice from out the tubes beneath your meat "Then I'll stitch 'er up and mend 'er, "For a week ye'll be quite tender "And then no more shall your sack be packin' heat" He pronounced me a fit candidate for surg'ry And he scheduled me for slashin' one week hence And at home my wife was waitin' for to be brought up to date on All the progress of the plunderin' in my pants And I said, "I swear to you, my lover, that my heart longs for no other "And that from your side I've got no cause to roam "And if the ring upon my finger doesn't prove to you my love "Then the scar upon my nuts should drive it home, drive it home "Oh, the scar upon my nuts should drive it home" On the morn of the procedure I'd been told to shave my features In a place for which no razor is contoured And my wife suggested after She'd choked back most of her laughter That I probably should've practiced on a gourd As the slicing hour drew near, I began to shake with fear But my wife said "Darlin', there's no need to whine "You'll recall, for what it's worth, "I didn't cry when I gave birth" And I said "That's because they numbed your fuckin' spine!" Li di di... They marched me to my room, Where I stripped down to face the doom Of my infinite potential gals and gents I said "Will it still feel good when I make love or wax my wood?" And he said "You won't notice a vas deferens" On the table I was laid, In the air my legs were splayed While the doctor scrubbed my bits for the attack And I'll tell ya, lads and ladies, They can numb you half to Hades You still know when there's a knife stuck in your sack My wife drove me home at thirteen miles an hour While I sat there with my teeth deep in my lip And although it's been years past, I could still draw for ye if asked A map of every fucking bump along the trip And I said, "I swear to you, my lover, that my heart longs for no other "And that from your side I've got no cause to roam "And if the ring upon my finger doesn't prove to you my love "Then the scar upon my nuts should drive it home, drive it home "Oh, the scar upon my nuts should drive it home" Well, two years have come and gone now since that mornin' When the doctor did to me...the thing he did And just yesterday my bride, looked to me all twinkly-eyed And said "Y'know, I've been thinking...maybe we should have...another kid?" And I said, "I swear to you, my lover, that my heart longs for no other "And that from your side I've had no cause to roam "But if one scar on my nuts doesn't prove to you my love "You can get your fickle ass from out my home, out my home "You can get your fickle ass from out my home!" Ow.